All Bark, No Bite
Loud ego cars that make a racket but aren't fast. Each one comes with a decibel rating and a 'Bark-to-Bite ratio' (dB per second of quarter mile; higher is sadder).
a.k.a. Decibel Delusion · Loud & Slow · Ego Exhaust Club · Crackle & Pop Brigade
Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat (straight-piped)
12 vehicles · 12 unlocked with Tesla Roadster Thrust
Dodge · 2021 · comical
Challenger SRT Hellcat (straight-piped)
- hp
- 717
- lb-ft
- 656
- 0-60 s
- 3.7
- 1/4 s
- 11.8
- trap mph
- 125
- dB (est.)
- 128
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Fast on paper, wheelspin in reality. Spends more time at the gas station than the drag strip. Launches 30% of the 717 hp; the other 70% goes into smoke and the neighbors' sleep.
BMW · 2019 · comical
340i 'Stage 2' crackle tune
- hp
- 382
- lb-ft
- 369
- 0-60 s
- 4.7
- 1/4 s
- 13.3
- trap mph
- 105
- dB (est.)
- 118
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Pops and bangs mapped to every 0.3 s of throttle lift. The fake exhaust audio is so loud on the inside the driver thinks he's in DTM. Turn signals deleted in the tune.
Honda · 2001 · comical
Civic DX (5-inch fart can)
- hp
- 115
- lb-ft
- 110
- 0-60 s
- 9.8
- 1/4 s
- 17.2
- trap mph
- 80
- dB (est.)
- 104
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Exhaust tip diameter exceeds horsepower count. Also has: a giant wing on the FWD car, blue LED washer nozzles, and a 'Type R' badge stolen from a forum.
Ford · 2020 · comical
Mustang EcoBoost (fake V8 speaker)
- hp
- 310
- lb-ft
- 350
- 0-60 s
- 5.3
- 1/4 s
- 12.4
- trap mph
- 116
- dB (est.)
- 96
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
A turbo four piping fake V8 sounds into the cabin. Leaving Cars & Coffee? Watch the crowd.
Chevrolet · 2016 · comical
Silverado 2500 Duramax (rolling coal)
- hp
- 397
- lb-ft
- 765
- 0-60 s
- 7.8
- 1/4 s
- 15.5
- trap mph
- 88
- dB (est.)
- 102
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Deleted DPF, 'Prius repellent' sticker, stacks behind the cab. Visibility for following cars: 0 ft.
Mercedes-AMG · 2022 · comical
G63 (sidepipes, in a school pickup line)
- hp
- 577
- lb-ft
- 627
- 0-60 s
- 3.9
- 1/4 s
- 12.5
- trap mph
- 110
- dB (est.)
- 112
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
The fastest refrigerator, it's not slow, but it has the aerodynamics of a building and a 3-mile commute.
Chevrolet · 2018 · comical
Camaro SS (electric cutouts, always open)
- hp
- 455
- lb-ft
- 455
- 0-60 s
- 4
- 1/4 s
- 12.3
- trap mph
- 116
- dB (est.)
- 115
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Has a 'quiet mode' button. Has never pressed it.
Subaru · 2015 · comical
WRX 'Stage 3' (Facebook tune)
- hp
- 268
- lb-ft
- 258
- 0-60 s
- 5.9
- 1/4 s
- 14.4
- trap mph
- 95
- dB (est.)
- 110
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Engine #3 this year. Rumble so authentic it's mostly the rod bearings.
Harley-Davidson · 2012 · comical
Road King (ape hangers, open pipes)
- hp
- 80
- lb-ft
- 111
- 0-60 s
- 5
- 1/4 s
- 13.6
- trap mph
- 98
- dB (est.)
- 110
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Loud pipes save lives (mostly by alerting everyone to leave).
Nissan · 2017 · comical
Altima (fake exhaust tips, blacked out)
- hp
- 179
- lb-ft
- 177
- 0-60 s
- 7.6
- 1/4 s
- 15.7
- trap mph
- 89
- dB (est.)
- 80
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Not loud, just aggressive. The All Bark category's most feared member: lane changes without signals at 92 mph on the shoulder.
Chrysler · 2005 · comical
PT Cruiser GT (side-exit pipes, flames decal)
- hp
- 230
- lb-ft
- 245
- 0-60 s
- 6.7
- 1/4 s
- 15.3
- trap mph
- 92
- dB (est.)
- 95
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Flame decals add +0 hp. The side pipe adds +2 hp and hearing damage.
Tesla · 2025 · comical
Cyberbeast (Boombox: goat sound)
- hp
- 845
- lb-ft
- 939
- 0-60 s
- 4.1
- 1/4 s
- 12.6
- trap mph
- 105
Slower on 0-60 & 1/4
Self-roast: it's quick, but the Boombox goat noise is still not a fast noise.